Crazier
by xEmerald Isle
Summary: Cartman hates his life. He hates the constant name-calling and being laughed at for hurtful reasons. But he found one reason to not kill himself and end his life for good. The reason is love. Kyman. Oneshot. R&R please!


_Hey readers of Fanfiction. Sorry I haven't updated anything in ages. I have loads of stories started but I keep changing my mind on which one I should continue to write first. I find it hard to work on a couple of stories at a time so I just choose one and finish that before I continue another one. =D_

_Anyway, it's my __birthday__ today so I decided I should definitely post something. And it had to be __Kyman__, of course XDD_

_This was inspired on the song Crazier by Taylor Swift. Pretty nice song! =D_

_This oneshot is in Cartman's POV by the way, but near the end it changes and you'll understand why at the end._

_Well enough of my blabbing, let's get on with the oneshot!_

_Enjoy! =D_

I've never gone with the wind. I just let it flow, taking me wherever it wanted to go, dragging me along with it. I let it swoop me off my feet and drop me off in Hell, where everyday I get worn down more and more, constantly having to listen to every insult that's thrown at me and every finger pointed in my direction, and the constant sniggering and laughing at my fucked-up self.

My name is Eric Cartman. I'm 17 years old, nearly 18. As you can probably already tell, my life is a living hell. I hate it and I hate myself.

No day goes by without me being made fun of or laughed at by every passing person. Whether I know them or not, it doesn't matter. They still do it anyway.

They laugh at mainly my weight, but they also at my whore of a mother, my voice, my lack of a father, my lack of energy or fitness, and many more things. Each day they find a new way to insult me, using new insults and new words, as well as old ones.

They have no idea how it feels to be insulted every minute of every fucking day. They don't know, and they don't care how it feels. They're just happy it's not them who's the victim.

They seem to think I'm bullet-proof or something, that I have absolutely no feelings at all. No matter how many times they insult me I always insult them back and continue to hang out with them, well only if they're my friends. Yes, that's right, even my **friends** insult me! Though, they're not exactly my friends. They hate me to no end.

For them and other people, they feel better about themselves when they rip on me, knowing that even though they have flaws at least they'll always be better than me. But they don't think badly of it when they do. They don't know that I really do have feelings. To them I'm like some strange creature made purposely by God for people to insult to no end, to bring up their self-confidence. I'm not human to them.

But all that seems to change when _you_ walk in the door, entering my vision. You make all the pain and sorrow disappear, making me happy at last. When I see you I nearly feel… as if I'm someone important. I feel like I'm someone who actually belongs.

But then I see how perfect you are, with your extremely good looks, your constant straight As, your amazing voice, your caring and understanding personality, your kindness, your ability to let go of the past and move on and forget your mistakes, your dedication, etc. Everything about you is perfect. I try to be like you. Ever since I've realized my feelings for you I try to be as good as you. I started studying for school, I try to help people in need, and I try to be as kind as possible to everyone. But no matter how hard I try, nothing good comes from it. Nothing changes. I'm still insulted and ripped on every single day, not allowed to have any sort of happiness, except when I'm with you.

I think that's how I was such a big-headed bastard when I was younger. I used to spend most of my time with you. You were one of my best friends, though I ripped on you all the time. But even then, I was still insulted, even by you. But just being with you, even if we were arguing or fighting, I was still happy. I was unable to be hurt because you were there, filling up my heart and mind with joy so I couldn't feel any sort of pain.

But then High School came and you started to drift away. You made new friends and started to hang out with them. You still hung out with Stan or Kenny at times, but never me. I was left alone by myself, without a friend in the world. You never spoke a word to me again, and you still don't. You have no idea how much that hurts. You'll never know.

But even though you never speak to me anymore you still somehow make me happy. When I'm at home after school or at the weekends **that's** when it hurts to know you don't hang out with me or talk to me anymore. But in school or if I ever see you on the street or something and you look my way, I instantly feel happy. Just your presence thrills me and makes me feel I belong in this life.

Kyle Broflovski, you lift my feet off the ground and make my head spin around and around, and I'm unable to control my overwhelming love for you and I want so badly to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am for everything I've done to you in the past. I really want you to speak to me again. I need to hear you say my name. I need to hear your voice again.

You make me crazier, Kyle, crazier than I already am. One minute I'm falling, deeper and deeper, wanting to be alone and just die right there and then; the next I'm gazing into your gorgeous green eyes, but you're not looking back. But even though you aren't looking back I still feel happy and I feel my heart ready to explode with my insane love for you. You really do make me crazier, Kyle.

For the past year I've been watching you from a distance, watching closely as you made life your own, choosing your destiny and where it would take you next. You are able to control your life, making sure everything works out for you. And if something goes wrong, you don't get upset. You simply let go and move on, making sure to make up for it later. Your life is perfect, Kyle, too perfect almost, and I will never know how that feels, though I do wonder about it.

Seeing how you think about life, seeing how you never let anything get you down, that opens my eyes completely. It makes me feel… happy, proud. Although my life is a living hell, I don't care as much as I used to before I realized my feelings for you. I don't get as upset as I used to. And it's all because of you. You've had that impact on me. You make me feel like I'm not completely useless, though you don't even realize it.

You've showed me how to live. You've showed me how I should think about life, that I should never let things get to me, otherwise they will eat away at me, breaking me down piece by piece, until I break down completely, and lose myself. I would regret it after. You've showed me what living is for. I don't feel like I should stay in the dark any longer. I don't want to hide anymore.

Kyle, you make me happy, crazier. You make me crazier for you. The more you help me, without even knowing, the more I want you to be mine. The more I mentally thank you for making me feel better about myself, the more I want to hold you in my arms, to brush my hand through your beautiful red hair, to feel the softness of it. I want to press my lips against yours, and enjoy the blissful taste of them, while wishfully thinking about what it would be like if you were mine.

Kyle, you have no idea how much I want you. How much I _need_ you. If you ever left my life, there'd be no point in living. You're the only one who keeps me from leaving this world forever, the only one who gives me a reason to stay alive. My overpowering love for you keeps me alive; the burning passion in my heart makes me stronger.

Kyle, I love you more than words can say. I love you more than you'll ever know. I love you and thank you for making me feel like this towards you. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here at this very moment.

I love you, Kyle Broflovski. I love you with all my heart.

He slowly lifted his head after reading the diary in his hands a third time, letting every word sink into his brain. His eyes swelled up with tears and rolled down his cheeks, dripping onto the snow-covered ground beneath him. His chest started to hurt, only slightly at first but then increasing painfully as his mind pictured the boy who was insanely in love with him, but who was now gone forever, never coming back.

He collapsed onto his knees, crying uncontrollably and screaming with agony while punching the ground hard with his fist, yelling and roaring at himself for doing it. He had no idea. He had no fucking idea.

Cartman had finally revealed his feelings for him, saying just how much he loved him and how he needed him in his life, otherwise there'd be no reason to live, and Kyle had turned him down flat. He fucking turned him away, thinking it was just a stupid sick joke, not believing a word the other boy said.

And now he was gone, not ever coming back. It was all over the news and on the front page of the local newspaper:

'_Local 17-year-old boy Eric Cartman found dead outside Broflovski residence, a diary in one hand, a knife in the other, buried deep in his chest. Many locals feel remorse and have all said to attend his funeral this coming Saturday.'_

Kyle shook his head in disbelief, staring down at the small brown notebook in his hands, known as Cartman's diary. It was full of drawings and drawings of him and Cartman together, either hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc, as well as the pages and pages of paragraphs about how much he loved him.

Kyle was the only one who'd looked in the diary. He wouldn't allow anyone else to see it; he had a feeling Cartman would've only wanted him to see it anyway. He was the only one who'd seen every drawing of the two of them together and the only one who'd read the one long article he wrote, all about his deep love for Kyle.

"C-Cartman, I'm so s-sorry!" whispered Kyle, his voice coming out shaky from his uncontrollable sobbing. "I l-love you. Please c-come back! I n-need you!"

And with that, Kyle buried his face deep in the snow, despite the harsh coldness, and cried again, sobbing harder and louder than ever before, screaming with the agony in his heart.

He never knew what it felt like to be so sad and pained. This must have been how Cartman must have felt being picked on all the time and at the very moment Kyle turned him away, and so he stuck the knife through his chest, ending his pain and suffering. But it was that moment that Kyle knew serious agony. He was feeling it, just like Cartman did.

He knew that the serious pain in his heart wouldn't go away anytime soon, because of what he did. If he'd just been more trustworthy and believed Cartman when he told him he loved him, he'd still be alive. But no, Kyle had to let the Cartman from the past, the racist selfish sneaky fatass, take over his mind, forcing him to turn him away.

And now he was dead, never coming back, never again.

"Cartm- Eric! I'm so s-sorry! I l-love you! I-I…"

…… He could say no more. His voice wouldn't work. The agonizing pain in his heart spread throughout his whole body, inflicting serious pain everywhere, causing him the inability to speak.

He just lay on his stomach in the snow, his face buried deep down in the cold, no longer visible. He felt himself slowly start to pass out as the ice coldness and the severe pain stung him everywhere, but he welcomed the feeling with open arms, knowing that he wouldn't feel the pain if he was knocked out.

Slowly his eyes started to droop, closing of their own accord, and he felt his mind becoming blank, unable to think or visualize anything, until he was completely unconscious.

What he didn't realize before he passed out though, was that Cartman's diary was pressed right under his chest, where his heart was, and the strong loving words written in that diary by Cartman himself… were the only things that kept Kyle's heart beating through the harsh winter coldness of the night…

_Ugh I hate myself for killing Cartman! He's my favourite character EVER, not just in South Park but out of every single show I watch! And then I just go and write a story where he dies =( What the fuck is wrong with me?! =(_

_And it's my birthday! Who writes a story where their favourite character dies on their birthday?!! I'm such a fucked-up person… _

_Anyway, if you didn't understand this, basically the whole part in Cartman's POV was the entry written in his diary. The __**only**__ entry written in his diary XD_

_Well, I really hope you review this. Even if it's a short review, I'd be soo happy =D_

_Oh, and if anyone has any advice to improve my writing, that would be great! 'Cause I'm really trying to improve =)_

_So please review! =D_


End file.
